Flip Phones + Facebook

This past Sunday was a day spent traveling + also recovering from too much fun (I was in Miami for one of my besties Bachelorette Parties :). While the weekend was wild+ fun, the traveling home part was pretty much the complete opposite. Something about the endless waiting drives me insane.

At some point I realized that I had mindlessly picked up my phone about 62 times to scroll endlessly through facebook and Instagram. Something about that made me seem like a lunatic, to myself even. It also made me feel super depleted and gross, it was if the apps were literally sucking out my energy to power the phone, Invasion of the iphone body snatchers style. It was then that I realized I may be dealing with mild addiction to social media. I declared right then and there that I was going to take a break from social media (on my phone only, I would allow facebook on a computer like the true addict I am) and deleted my apps from my phone.

I spent the rest of the trip home holding my phone in my hand as my thumb aimlessly searched for Instagram or facebook. I started to think that my thumbs actually may have a mind of their own because they couldn’t stop looking! Honestly it was very strange.
This continued on until Tuesday, at which point my phone stopped working completely. As in no longer works and I had to order a new one and the AT&T store gave me a fricking FLIP PHONE from 1998 to use in the interim. Oh universe, what a sense of humor you have :)

This experience has taught me 2 things;
1. Be mindful of what you declare to the universe because you can/will manifest what you intend.
2. Social Media does provide some value to the world, however there is a point at which it crosses the line. Personally, I had lost touch with the ability to just BE somewhere, have an experience, let my mind wander, get a little BORED even. Taking this break has allowed me to see just how much time I waste on there and how unproductive that time is. While I’m sure I’ll be back on there soon, I will attempt to keep it to a minimum.

Until then, I’m reachable on my flip phone, phone calls only though cause texting takes too long on this thing!

I am so GLAD it is Tuesday!

I am so glad it is Tuesday.

If I am being honest though, my first thought this morning was “I can’t wait until Friday”. I’m going to really out myself now and tell you that I have actually felt that way since Sunday Night.

Have you ever wished it were Friday/the Weekend/a different day, hour or minute?

My sense is that many of us feel this way on a regular basis. It occurred to me this morning that in having this thought I was kind of just wishing my life away. In a perpetual state of wanting it to be Friday, I was wishing 5 other days of my life didn’t exist, every. single. week.

Whoa.

I’m pretty sure that is the opposite of presence, which is what I believe to be the key to a magnificent life. The kind of life that I am committed to living.

Awareness is the first step in changing anything. In this particular case for me, the second step is simply to change the thought. My new thought is, “I am so glad that it is_____ (insert day of the week).

Just like building muscles at the gym, this new thought pattern is a muscle I must work to build. I don’t actually wish my days didn’t exist, but the old thought pattern of “I wish it were Friday” is an unconscious one that my mind is programmed to think, and it WILL think thoughts like this if left to it’s own devices. So instead I choose to be conscious and aware of what I am focusing on.

The next steps remain unclear, but like anything in life, you have to start somewhere.

Wishing you a beautiful Tuesday (and 6 other days of the week :) )

 

 

An ode to Charles Keith Howard.

I miss my Dad. every. single. day.

Its been 5 years but really, if I’m honest I haven’t even begun to wrap my head around the fact that he is gone.

If I could rub a magic lamp and have only one wish granted to me in my entire life, it wouldn’t be for fame or fortune. It would be to see him again, even just for 2 minutes.

I wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self this. The teenage self that was wrought with anger, fear and the feelings of not enough love. The self that withheld my love from him as punishment, at age 16, 18, and again at 25. That part of me that thought that if I cut him off and out of my life I could somehow avoid feeling the pain that our relationship brought me at times as a young confused girl. A girl that was still reeling from my parents divorce several years before.

Turns out the one I punished was myself.

Little did I know that the only regret I would have in my life was the regret of not spending that time with him, of not trying to love him despite his flaws, and not allowing him to love me in the ways that he knew how to.

Even though he is no longer with me in the physical plane, I know he is with me in other ways.

When I look down at my hands and see his hands, and my heart swells with pride.

When I’m feeling lost in the world and one of our songs comes on my Pandora: Bobby McGee or Tiny Dancer or California Dreamin and I’m transported back to a time when it was me and him, singing and playing the guitar, laughing our hearts out.

During Christmas every year, I remember the Christmas of 2003. It wasn’t the only Christmas we spent together, but it was the most meaningful. He was Sober and doing deep work in therapy, and we were having some adult, raw and honest conversations.He later told me that it was the best Christmas he ever had in his whole life, and I would have to agree with him.

Whenever I eat spicy food and chicken wings :)

When I see photographs or look in the mirror and see his face in my face!

When I’m feeling small in a social situation, intimidated and afraid to speak up and take up space in the room, I remember how much space he took, and how much everyone loved him, How much I looked up to him, and wanted to be like him because by being that big he made everyone feel so good.

He is always with me, nudging me to do better, to open up my heart. To let people in and offer forgiveness and love even when I feel hurt and pain. To accept others exactly as they are, and to stand in my big-ness even though it feels scary. To KISS (Keep it simple stupid). To forgive myself for that one regret I have, for that time wasted in anger at him because I was only doing my best. He was doing his best.

We are all doing our best.

I miss my Dad, but I feel so lucky to have known him in this lifetime as MY Dad, so lucky and so proud.

Pumpkin

Dad

daddy

I’m so over perfect.

It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything on here. Even though I started this blog as an outlet for myself to be creative, something that happened is that I started to feel a lot of pressure around it to be “perfect”.  Part of that perfection meant showing up here in a timely fashion, always, no matter what.

After life got in the way of my perfect schedule, I fell behind and then I fell into an old pattern of being not so nice to myself because I felt like a failure.

Suddenly, this project that I started for myself, to give myself more joy in life was creating a whole bunch of stress and anxiety and bad feelings!  WTF.

Well, I’m here today because I am giving myself an intervention. Who the heck cares if I haven’t written in a week or a year.  I am choosing to remember why I started this in the first place, and it wasn’t bc I needed more stress, anxiety or pressure in life.  It was however to share myself, be creative and inspire even just one willing soul.

So here is to stop placing so much damn meaning on things that don’t really matter that much.  It is time to lighten up a bit, and stop trying to be “perfect”. Which by the way doesn’t even exist anyways, but I’ll save that rant for another time.

Instead, I am going to enjoy the crisp fall sunshine filled days in New York City.  I’m gonna throw on my favorite skinny jeans and Frye boots head over to the farmers market for a warm apple cider donut.

Screw perfect,life is too short. I’m going for enjoyment.  I hope you will too.

And who knows,  maybe I’ll end up writing about it :)

xo

Shondie